American Horror Story: Phone Tree Coven
After Sally (Sandra Bullock) accidentally kills Gillian’s (Nicole Kidman) abusive boyfriend (Goran Visnjic), the Owens sisters set about resurrecting him, killing him again, and burying him in the backyard. This action has several consequences, including Visnjic’s return as a ghost and the arrival of dreamy lawman (by 90’s Nancy Meyers standards) Aidan Quinn. And while it’s usually best to suspend disbelief and not dwell on the details of films that abcfamily (now Freeform—what a time to be alive) plays on repeat for an entire season, year-after-year, several instances of Practical Magic demand comment.
“Hopefully one day she’ll find a guy that goes through her” wtf???
Stockard Channing has no chill, but also, foreshadowing much? PS in this scene there is a couple riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Are horse-drawn carriages in high demand in a seaside town of 100 people?
Gillian is literally at the saddest party.
Get a fucking grip Gill! You don’t have “a million friends,” there are like 7 people, and they all look cracked out. Stop hanging out with garbage people.
What’s with the impromptu triathlon no one in the town knew about?
And why are the triathletes so nonchalant about almost killing everyone???
The husband was murdered.
Guys, the driver drove straight into him. No swerving, no speeding. He just murdered him and his produce. Going 15 miles an hour. Head on.
Everything about Sally and Gillian hanging out by the fireplace.
So like, are the sisters even together? Is it a telepathy thing? If so why do they write letters or call each other on the phone all the time?
That being said…
Where is Gillian anyways?
Sally takes a plane when she goes to rescue her sister in the middle of the night, but then they drove back from wherever they were, after murdering the Bulgarian; they bring him back to life, murder him again, and bury the body, all before morning.
Meanwhile, the entire spell to bring this guy back hinders on Nicole Kidman’s ability to roll her Rs.
“Did I do something wrong?”
Yes, you made your sister kill your abusive boyfriend. Twice.
Abigail Little looks like a shut-in.
Who the fuck wants to be at the top of a phone tree??? Also, they worked their way up from the bottom, so when they magically made Sally first, it means she wasn’t even on the tree (nor were the other 20 women in the room, on a tree that had 8 spots). So, if you don’t make it on the phone tree your kids just have to show up like an idiot on a snow day or something???
“Since when is being a slut a crime in this family?”
I hope Sally’s girls were on Bella Donna that night, because midnight-margaritas was loud as fuck.
Sally created a product for guys with the express purpose of giving men hairy dicks.
Think about that.
“He’ll have one green eye and one blue…”
When Bullock’s character is describing her ideal mate as a child, she mentions that he will have one blue eye and one green eye. When Quinn makes his flirtatious arrival, anyone who’s ever seen a movie will, of course, check out his eyes, eyes that are clearly both blue until it’s convenient for them not to be later in the movie. This is some kind of fuckery.
In Conclusion: I love this movie. I own it on both VHS and DVD, and I will stop whatever I am doing each and everytime that whatever channel is airing it.
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Nick Moutvic is equal parts loud Chicagoan and Editor-In-Chief of Culture Stocked; A self-identifying sci-fi nerd, Nick is weirdly proud of the fact that he still fits in t-shirts he owned from before hitting puberty, and gets jarringly emotional watching film and television trailers. His book, That Could Have Gone Better, is about his attempts at balancing adult responsibilities with an affinity for 2 a.m. taco runs, and is out now on Amazon and Kobo.