A Conclusive Ranking Of The 5 Best Songs From The “Sister Act” Duology

Sister Act II: Back In The Habit starring Whoopi Goldberg & Maggie Smith ©Touchstone Pictures
5. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough (Sister Act 2: Back In Habit end credits)

 

Why: 1. This song is THE TITS. 2. All the solos! 3. Mostly, this moment:

 

4. Oh Maria! (Sister Act)

Why: 1. This is the first performance you see after the nuns have been coached and choreographed by Sister Mary Clearance, so its kind of like their quinceañera. 2. Every time I watch this scene I cry like a bitch over Sister Mary Roberts finally finding her voice. And 3. Dat shimmy dow—

Oh, and 4. The cute altar boy:

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3. Joyful Joyful (Sister Act 2: Back In Habit Final Competition)

Why: When the random stage hand lady tells them “TAKE OFF THEIR ROBES,” you know shits about to go down! Also the sign language interpretator behind Lauryn Hill in the beginning, and the impromptu rapping. Are we supposed to believe they pulled that out of their asses at the last minute? Well, now I know where Glee got the idea from.. PS the 90’s centric fashion, I felt like I was watching an episode of Ghost Writer.

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2. I Will Follow Him (Sister Act Final Perfomance)

Why: The Pope, obvi.

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1. Oh Happy Day (Sister Act 2: Back In Habit)

Why: This scene is an entire movie in an of itself! It has the layers and nuance of a fully realized production. Heres the breakdown:

Former showgirl and protected witness turned humanitarian, Sister Mary Clarence, is teaching her eccentric student, Ahmal, the gift of song. A short montage later and we find our youth thrust from a short rehearsal, then straight to the stage.

Are they be ready? Do they know the words? What about the choreography? Do they even trust this shady new nun?

No time to find out.

Everyone is nervous. Kathy Najimy looks like she is about to skip out for a bender. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lauryn Hill on the same stage. Like what?

“You’ll be fine,” Whoopi reassures them. But will they? Will they?

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The tension continues increasing. So many pent up, catholic hormones in one room. The only one not ridden with anxiety is the gross old douchey white dude rooting for them to fail. He wants to close the school down.

The side eye is blinding.

Unlikely hero, Ahmal, begins his solo. He is sweating bullets,

It’s good, but definitely lacks confidence and is shaky.

Like a good choir director, Whoopi motions Ahmal forward.

They speak. They connect.

With a sudden burst of confidence, Ahmal moves forward.

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Sister Mary Lazarus nervously smiles. Bitch wants to READ them, but decides against it.

That asshole of a friar dude is throwing all of the shade.

Meanwhile, peeps in the crowd are warming up. Some awkward white dude is clapping.

The creepy chef dude with a weird sausage fetish is snapping.

Then jesus touches each of them one by one. Lauryn Hill smiles. She claps. Hope.

Then, out of fucking nowhere, Ahmal sings an incredibly high note. “WHEN JESUS WAAAAAAAAAASHED MY SINS AWAY.” FUCKING. CHILLS.

Immediately after, the greatest moment in Whoopi Goldberg’s illustrious career happens. This look:

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THE NUNS GO WILD.

That asshole friar looks like he just shit himself.

Whoopi loses it.

Sister Mary Patrick obviously does too.

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And even that cold bitch, Mother Superior, cracks a smile.

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It’s like a totally different choir from the one just minutes before! THE POWER OF SONG! THE POWER OF WHOOPI GOLDBERG!

YES. AMEN. ALL THE HALLELUJAHS.

The song ends. The crowd loses their shit. The nuns win. The kids win. We all fucking win.

Honorable Mentions

Whatever song it was when Sister Mary Patrick gets low with the assumed prostitutes.

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The mantra turned pop hook gold.

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Every time Sister Alma absolutely crushes it on the piano.

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Sister Mary Roberts dead tooth.

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This crazy little bitch:

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About Nick Moutvic
Nick Moutvic is equal parts loud Chicagoan and Editor-In-Chief of Culture Stocked; A self-identifying sci-fi nerd, Nick is weirdly proud of the fact that he still fits in t-shirts he owned from before hitting puberty, and gets jarringly emotional watching film and television trailers. His book, That Could Have Gone Better, is about his attempts at balancing adult responsibilities with an affinity for 2 a.m. taco runs, and is out now on Amazon and Kobo.